Sexual abuse is sometimes neglected when discussing types of domestic violence. Nevertheless, sexual
abuse is frequently part of a domestic violence interaction. For example, we treated one client who
would become tremendously jealous of his partner, accuse her of infidelity, beat her and then insist
upon sexual intercourse as a way to “make up” for the beating. In other relationships sexual domination
or violence may be the only evident sign of domestic abuse. It is noteworthy in this discussion that it is
only relatively recently that American courts have treated sexual abuse within a marriage as equivalent
to non-relationship abuse. Even today many men and women believe that a man can force his wife to
have sex with him whenever he so desires because that is his married entitlement. The truth is that
partners can and are charged with rape and sexual abuse within marriage. Group participants must be
so informed. The simple point to emphasize is that nobody has the right to demand sex from another
person, no matter what the legal status of their relationship. The recent emphasis upon “yes means
yes,” meaning that unless one’s partner specifically agrees to have sex with you (and also in what ways
to have sex) the initiator could be accused of sexual assault should be noted.
Many group members of either gender have been victims of sexual abuse as children. They may have
been assaulted by a parent, sibling, relative, family friend, acquaintances or strangers; they may have
suffered date rape as teens or subjected to strong pressure to be sexual (“I won’t keep dating you unless
we have sex.”). Some participants will volunteer this information easily while others feel deep shame
about what happened and have concealed that information from everyone. We believe that unfinished
business left over from these experiences can relate to the members’ adult sexual experiences and tilt
them toward both further victimization and violence. In addition, survivors of childhood sexual abuse
may not understand the difference between sex and intimacy and may deeply distrust the intentions of
even well-meaning others.
The goal here is to make the treatment group a safe place to discuss both childhood and adult sexual
abuse. We suggest you begin a discussion by having participants talk about physical sex vs loving sexual
intimacy. Physical sex is about pleasure, hopefully mutual pleasure. It is good but limited to meeting
one’s physical desires. Loving sexual intimacy involves sharing one’s body and emotions with one’s
partner. It can be just as physical as the other but involves more of a feeling of being totally connected
with one’s partner at an emotional or even spiritual level.
Usually some members of the group will be doubtful or cynical. They will state strongly that they don’t
believe they could ever become that closely connected with a sexual partner. That can be your signal to
discuss blocks to intimacy, specifically a history of childhood and adult sexual abuse.
There are several forms of sexual abuse to mention:
Child sexual abuse (before age of consent).
Physical insistence/non-violent rape. One person overpowers or intimidates the other.
“Pressure” to have sex. “If you love me you’ll have sex with me.”
“Pressure” to perform specific sexual acts. “If you love me you’ll have ____sex with me.
Sadistic violence/violent rape. Beating, choking, etc. that accompanies sexual abuse.
Drug “seduction.” Use of alcohol or drugs to destroy other person’s ability for informed consent.
Sex withdrawal. Refusing sex specifically to punish one’s partner.
Participants should be allowed to share their sexual abuse histories voluntarily. Men may begin by
describing how their girlfriends have been abused and then gradually move into how they themselves
were abused as children. Women are more likely to begin with their own victimization. It is important
to ask speakers how their experience has affected them in the past and present.
Next, you will probably have to make the jump from sexual abuse victim to perpetrator. Ask directly, but
quietly and calmly, if anyone in the group will own up to having themselves been a sexual offender.
Focus mostly upon their recent or current relationships. People who do confess to this behavior should
be asked if they feel guilty or ashamed about what they did and why.
Finally, if possible you should return the discussion to positive sexual intimacy and the hope that
everyone in the group will be free from sexual abuse and capable of true intimacy. Also, remind
participants that what is said in group must stay in the group in order to make this room a place of safety
for everyone.