Change, Growth and Letting Go

The hallmark of nurturing parenting is the willingness to examine one’s thoughts, feelings and actions on a daily basis to ensure that actions are respectful to oneself, to others, and to the environment. When the nurturing parent discovers their actions might have been disrespectful, the proper course of action to take is to apologize for acting disrespectfully and to be mindful of future Behavior. The element necessary for this to occur is openness to change. Nurturing parents are spiritually involved in the lives of their children.

Fight Or Flight Posture

When someone offers a suggestion or an observation for change, the person immediately gets into a fight or flight mindset. Some examples are: 

• Blaming
•  Anger
•  Dismissing
•  Criticizing
•  Arguments
•  Leaving the scene

Example:

Mom says:

“You know you’re never around at night to help put the kids to sleep. I really need your help.”

Dad says:

“Well if you were more organized, you wouldn’t need my help. The problem with you is…”

Defensive/Closed Posture

When someone offers a suggestion or observation for change, the person immediately closes up. Some examples are:

• Withdrawing
•  Obstinacy
•  Silence
•  Denial
• Looks of disregard
•  Excuses

Example:

Mom says: 

“You know, you’re never around at night to help put the kids to sleep. I really need your help.”

Dad says:

“I don’t remember you ever asking me for help. Am I a mind reader?”

Open To Change Posture

This posture best represents the open to change; open to listen posture. Some examples are:

• Eye contact
•  Look of interest
•  Pleasant tone
•  Ask questions
•  Desire to help
•  Seeks clarification

Example:

Mom says: 

“You know, you’re never around at night to help put the kids to sleep. I really need your help.”

Dad says:

 “I’m sorry I haven’t been available to you. Let’s make a plan. What can we do to work together?” 

The most critical factors to being open to change are:

1. Valuing the need to change. The changes need to have worth before sincere efforts can be made.
2. Valuing the other person. If suggestions or observations come from a person who holds little value, the comments will seem more nagging.
3. Using mindful awareness. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings; how you come across to the other person; the mood of the person you’re talking with; the situation, Etc. Are all necessary for using the best judgment in responding.
4. Having the appropriate skills or “know how” to change is an art and a science. Knowing how to change will facilitate the change itself.